Feelings about Going Back to Work

Here it is Friday night, June 13th and I am coming towards the end of my maternity leave. I officially go back to work as of July 8th and I am having horribly mixed feelings about going back. I alternate between extreme sadness at leaving Alex all day and then sometimes looking forward to a change of routine by going back to work and having some adult interaction. Mostly it is the later feeling more than the feeling of wanting to go back to work.

I know thousands of mothers have to go back to work and I keep trying to tell myself that by me going back to work, Henry and I will be able to provide a good life for Alex. A nice home, clothes, toys, and a debt free mommy and daddy. However, I can't help feeling that I am abandoning my son. I know I don't have a choice...I HAVE to go back to work, there is no option. We can't live on Henry's salary alone up here and have a house (or even rent payment) and continue to save for the future or even buy food or utilities. But, I can't help feeling that I won't have any quality time with Alex.

Right now I will have to leave the house around 7 AM to catch the train only to arrive home around 6PM. Alex currently goes to bed around 9PM, so that only gives me 3 hours with him a night. I will be spending more time with my coworkers, than with my own son. Not to mention in that time I have to get done all the regular house work as well (hopefully we will be homeowners by then).

I keep telling myself that it won't be as bad as I am envisioning. That the time on the train will be good for me as it will be "my time". I can actually read a book (something I haven't really done in months), talk to friends, etc. I keep telling myself that it is good that Alex gets to know something other than Mommy..that he gets exposed to other adults and other children...that he learns how to play....that the daycare provider will bring him other activities that I haven't been able to think of....

I keep hearing the saying that "I don't want another person to raise my child" when I tell them that I am going back to work and dreading it, and that makes me feel horribly guitly...because I have to go back to work does that mean Alex will think his daycare provider is his Mommy? Will we get bonding time together? Will I be a bad Mommy because I won't be there for his every need, for his every smile, for his every cry? I won't even get the pleasure of picking him up from daycare as he will be closer to Henry and Henry will have that pleasure.

Like I said before, I know thousands of women work and some have to work two or three jobs just to make ends meet. At least I don't have to work three jobs...I thank God for that. I keep trying to tell myself that it is not always "quantity" of time, but the "quality" of time I spend with Alex. Just because I am gone from him for 8-10 hours a day doesn't mean that the time we do have together won't be good or bonding....

But to tell the truth, nothing I tell myself is working...I am still horribly sad at the thought of not being with Alex every day....and right now I don't know how to cope with my feelings or when the feelings of guilt and sadness will go away...